The Plateau of Oldness

There’s a saying that seems as if it’s been around forever, and it goes like this: “It sucks to get old.”  Historians don’t know for certain who first used the phrase, but speculation is it was man number one, a guy named Adam.  If it was him, chances are he said it a whole bunch of times, since he reportedly lived over 900 years.  There’s another version of the phrase that means the same thing: “It blows to get old,” which is odd because according to Webster “sucks” and “blows” have completely opposite meanings.  It’s the new world lexicon

Every second of our time on earth we grow that much older.  Time marches on, and while you can’t turn back your clock, you can unplug it.  But unlike the time piece on your nightstand, if you do decide to cut the power, you won’t be able to change your mind about it later.

Most of us accept the aging process as part of life.  George Burns said it best: “You can’t help getting older, you just don’t want to get old.”  From my perspective the journey to the elder forest can be a good one.  As you travel down the senior road you’ll run into discounted rates, free healthcare, retirement benefits, silent alarm clocks, and an accepted excuse for almost every mistake you make.

One thing is for sure, and that is older people don’t want to be seen or thought of as OLD.  And we worry that being out in public increases the chances that embarrassment will happen.  I wanted to do something for all seniors about this concern, so I spent months of research (did some googling a while back) to put together a list of Older Not Old Suggestions.

As stated earlier, you can’t prevent yourself from getting older.  It is inevitable. However, you can put off, or even reverse, being OLD for quite some time.  By using the Older Not Old Suggestions (ONOS) in the paragraphs below, you’ll appear to be youthful, or at least not OLD, right up until you’re not.

1. Avoid Senior Portions - Nothing screams “I’m old and cheap” more than waiting for an Early-Bird Dinner table to free up. Once seated, OLD eaters will order water, maybe a glass of happy-hour house chardonnay, and anything off the discounted menu that includes meat loaf and string beans.  If it’s a couple, they may ask for an extra plate to split the meal.  If you do this, you are OLD!  Look around as you tap your fingers waiting for your food.  How many people there have tattoos or nose rings?  None, because everybody is OLD!  ONOS: Order two meals off regular priced menu, refuse a doggy bag and leave more than a ten percent tip.   Your server might be guilted into calling their grandparents.
2. ­
   
   Leave the Belt at Home – Paying attention to current fashions rather than those you grew up with is a must in order not to look OLD. For instance, with more sizes available nowadays, contemporary clothing should mostly fit correctly.  You shouldn’t need to cinch your pants and skirt tight with a belt. Unless you’re competing in a rodeo, belts are not a popular accessory.  Tucking your shirt or blouse in and exposing your belt says to the world, I am OLD!  ONOS: A modern look includes shirts with straight hems, designed to be worn on the outside.  Warning: If they don’t reach below your waist, you could be breaking local obscenity laws.
3. Lose the Pockets - Wearing clothes with multiple pockets is not something you see young people do, unless they are fly-fishing, which nobody born after the Eisenhower administration does anyway. Any older person with a lot of pockets and visible stuff in them is considered OLD!  Right or wrong, people assume you’re carrying all that you do because you forgot where you put it.  Note: Cargo shorts are okay if all that’s in them is your phone, a key and a money-clip with more than two dollars.  ONOS:   The only way you cannot look OLD and have pockets is if they are on a pull-over or vest and they are zipped.  This is called the PATAGONIA EXCEPTION which, until the internet, was only known by mountain climbers.
4. Don’t Tell Jokes - You can be humorous, but not by telling the same kinds of jokes Milton Berle or Bob Hope used over a half-a-century ago.  If you trying
   
   to be funny and start with “Did you hear the one about…?” or “Knock-knock”, you’re likely OLD.   Nowadays, funny people mostly make us laugh at stories or observations of everyday events.  ONOS:  To be funnier to the younger crowd you should be extemporaneous, even if you can’t say or spell it.   Practice in front of your camera or, if you’re already OLD, in front of a mirror.  It might take many years, so stay healthy to give yourself the best chance to use your new-found skills.
5. Avoid Talking About the Old Days -This is one that is so obvious you would think it wouldn’t need to be said. If you start a conversation with “I remember when…” then you are OLD.   Have you ever heard a young person say, “Back when I was growing up…”? No!  Because they realize nobody cares about it!  If you’re older you might wish things to be like they used to be but complaining just makes you OLD.  ONUS: If you have something to say about your preference for the past, post your opinion on Facebook.  Nobody under the age of fifty goes there anywhere, so you might get away with OLD behavior.

Now, there are people perfectly content to be OLD.  Even some who’ve decided to be OLD before their time.   These people are often referred to as geriatric or aged or elderly.  No matter how much you try (short of dying), eventually, you’ll be one of them.  But the fact you’re older doesn’t mean you have to rush to be OLD.  Take your time and when, finally, you do arrive at the plateau of oldness...

                      ...you’ll have earned the right to enjoy the view.

Copyright Rusty Evans, BS Sociology Department Head, 2022